I'm a 17 year old girl and for as long as i can remember i have had an attraction for older men. Especially pedophiles. Since i was 6 years old, whenever a story on the news came up about someone caught with child porn, or even men going to prison for molesting young girls its always turned me on i would wish more than anything i could have been there with them, or even been the little girl. when i was 11 i would look up registered sex offenders and try and frequent their area in hopes of becoming theirs. Its horrible i feel like such a terrible person... I feel like i might also be attracted to young girls because whenever i see one i wish more than anything to see her with a way older man I don't know whats wrong with me, but Ive searched and searched and have never found anything on young girls being attracted to pedophiles. or what it means.
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I am so confused by these feelings, i mean its actually causing problems in my life. For example i used to baby sit a little boy (which im extremely un attracted to little boys) and id take him to the park as per his mothers request, but id go there and nearly have an anxiety attack brought about by the inner battle of pleasure vs. morals caused by the abundance of pre pubescent girls running around so close to me. I feel so out of place in the world and i cant find answers anywhere. I'm sincerely nervous about my ability to continue this battle i know i must, but it just wears me out, having to constantly repress my desires. I'm too nervous to talk to a professional about this in person out of fear of what they'll think of me. I just cant go through this anymore. please any help would be appreciated. This is my last resort for answers.